


One Night Long Ago

by katling



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Avoidance, Awkward Cullen, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of PTSD, Modern AU, Sex, but still with mages, erotic memories, roommates au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-09 20:57:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4363931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katling/pseuds/katling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Cullrian Prompt Saturday again and I was given the following prompt: <i>Roommates AU. Suddenly remembering that you had a one night stand with your roommate years before you met.</i>. The prompt, the tags and the rating sum it up far better than I ever could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cullen has been sharing the apartment with Dorian for three months now and he still can’t shake the idea that he _knows_ the other man from somewhere. There’s something about him that is just achingly familiar but he can’t quite place what it is. Which seems ludicrous on first glance. Dorian is not the sort of man you tend to forget, not for his looks, not for his personality, not for anything really.

Normally Cullen would dismiss this as his imagination playing tricks on him but what he’d been through in Kinloch had left him in a bad place mentally and emotionally and being sent to Kirkwall in the aftermath had not helped. He’d done things in Kirkwall that he regretted and there were nights in that city that were blurred and hazy, the combination of PTSD, alcohol and the drug of choice at the time – lyrium – taking him to places and encouraging him to do things that he might not have gone near had he been sober and in his right mind. Had one of those blurred and hazy nights involved Dorian somehow?

Haven and the job as Head of Security at Inquisition Incorporated had been a chance for a new start. Making the decision to share an apartment had been a conscious choice to ensure he didn’t get lost in his memories and his regrets and self-recriminations. He hadn’t regretted any of it in the three months he’d been here but… he was still left with that lingering sense of familiarity whenever he looked at Dorian. But whatever it was, it didn’t seem like Dorian shared it. The Tevinter mage, a research fellow at Inquisition Incorporated, had certainly never given any indication that he recognised Cullen.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the low Tevene curse from the other couch and he looked over just in time to see Dorian arch back, his arms over his head, his head thrown back leaving his neck on display, clearly trying to stretch out a kink in his back. Cullen’s breath caught in his throat as a memory flashed through his mind of Dorian in exactly that position, only horizontal and naked and blindfolded, dark skin gleaming with sweat, cock jutting up hard and leaking, making the most delicious moaning sounds as Cullen fucked him deep and slow.

Cullen nearly choked on his own saliva as the vivid intense memory lodged in his mind. He stood abruptly, slamming his shins against the coffee table, the resulting pain lost in the shock and desire and intense eroticism of the memory. He staggered out of the room, not even hearing Dorian’s concerned questions, and lurched into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it, his eyes closed against the onslaught of further memories of that night. The way Dorian had arched so eagerly into his every touch. The way he had whimpered and moaned and begged for Cullen’s hands, his fingers, his mouth, his cock. The expression on his face when he had come and how Cullen himself had felt when he’d ridden out his own orgasm, sheathed deep in Dorian’s arse.

He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor, suddenly realising that not only was he panting as though he’d just finished what he remembered doing, he was as hard as a rock, aching against the fabric of his jeans. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the door, telling himself to stop, don’t do this, it was wrong. But his hands wouldn’t listen as they undid his jeans and pulled his weeping cock out. His mind didn’t care as it flooded him with memories of Dorian underneath him, writhing on the bed. He gasped as he wrapped a hand around himself and he barely had to time to manage more than a half a dozen strokes before he was coming over his hand and jeans and shirt with a strangled cry.

As Cullen came back to himself, he realised he was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, still fully dressed, his softening cock hanging out of his jeans and he’d just come to the most intense memory of his _roommate_. A roommate who was sitting out in the living room probably wondering what had gotten into Cullen. A roommate he was going to have to face again whenever he pulled himself together. A roommate whose curiosity and perspicacity was legendary and to whom Cullen had consistently failed to lie successfully. A roommate who didn’t recognise him as his partner from that night because Cullen had insisted he remain blindfolded the entire time. But Cullen remembered and now that he did, he couldn’t forget.

He was in so much trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one needed to be continued. So I did. There be sex here. For real. Not just in Cullen's memories.

It took nearly an hour for Cullen to talk himself into leaving his bedroom in which time he’d changed his jeans and t-shirt and sent his hair into a mess of curls by running his hands through it so many times. As he edged haltingly down the corridor towards the living room, he was hoping desperately that Dorian had fallen asleep or gone to bed or been called into work or basically _anything_ other than sitting on the couch waiting for Cullen to return so he can ask why he ran off so abruptly.

No such luck.

Dorian was sitting where he’d left him, ostensibly reading the same magazine he’d been reading when Cullen had left. Since Dorian was a fast reader and should have finished the magazine a good half an hour ago, it could only mean he’d been waiting for Cullen.

Dorian looked up as he walked back into the room and at least there Cullen feels safe. He never saw Dorian’s eyes last time. There’s nothing in them that can bring back memories. He’d insisted on the blindfold from the very beginning, not being comfortable at the time with being watched during sex, even by his partner. The Madam hadn’t even batted an eyelid at the request. Just sent him to a particular room where he’d found Dorian waiting, dutifully blindfolded.

His mind stuttered as he had a moment to ask himself _why_ Dorian had been working in a brothel in _Kirkwall_ of all places. Dorian is intelligent and talented and why would he have needed to work in the Blooming Rose? He could have gotten a job at any number of places in Kirkwall, even with the general prejudice against magic in the city that had been so carefully fostered and developed by the Chief of Police, Meredith Stannard.

“Cullen? Is everything alright?”

Cullen snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Dorian, a blush staining his cheeks. “I… uh… yes.”

It sounded unconvincing even to his own ears so Dorian’s sceptical expression was no surprise.

“Uhuh,” Dorian replied dubiously then he gestured towards Cullen’s legs. “You okay? You whacked your shins pretty hard.”

Even now, Cullen barely felt the dull ache where his shins had rather forcefully met the coffee table. He’d probably have spectacular bruises on his shins in the morning but that seemed entirely incidental compared to what his memory had decided to dredge up tonight.

“No, I… erm… I’m, uh, fine,” he stammered and suddenly wished he could run back to his bedroom and bang his head against a wall until he either managed to regain the ability to construct a coherent sentence or forget these memories of Dorian. 

Except he didn’t want to forget them. 

His mind was suddenly awash with the image of Dorian kneeling on the floor in front of him, the pale cream silk blindfold a glorious counterpoint to the dusky colour of his skin, his warm, wet, enthusiastic mouth wrapped around Cullen’s cock, his hands resting lightly on Cullen’s hips as Cullen buried one hand in his hair and urged him on.

He blushed scarlet and back away towards the corridor again. “I… uh… Ishouldgetsomesleep. Bigdaytomorrow,” he blurted before turning tail and all but _running_ back to his room. He was hard as a rock again just from that small flash of memory and he fell to his knees after closing the door, tugging his jeans down and stroking himself to a spine-melting orgasm. He felt hot with shame when his heart stopped racing and he realised what he’d done. He couldn’t keep doing this.

He dragged himself to his feet and stripped off the rest of his clothes. He collapsed into his bed and dragged the covers over his head. After two mind-blowing orgasms, he actually did feel tired and he sought the oblivion of sleep with an aggressiveness he didn’t usually feel. Sleep was normally the purview of nightmares and he preferred to avoid that but tonight he wanted to just _not think_ for a while. He’d deal with whatever tomorrow brought when it arrived.

Morning came all too quickly and for once he’d actually slept without a single nightmare. He didn’t really care to examine why that was so as he crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom to shower and get ready for work. From the silence in the apartment, Dorian had already left for the day and he felt ashamed at the sense of relief that gave him. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to avoid this conversation forever but he’d do his best.

Work gave him plenty of opportunity to bury himself in minutiae and paperwork and many other things that kept his mind occupied and away from… dangerous topics. And if it kept him in his office well past the hour Dorian left, well past the hour _he_ normally left and well past the hour when Dorian was likely to have gone to bed, well, he shouldn’t have let the paperwork slide so much that he was forced to work so late. That was all. There were no ulterior motives.

The apartment was dark and silent when he carefully opened the door and he gave a small sigh of relief. He’d been half-afraid that Dorian might have waited up but it seemed that the mage had obviously decided Cullen had gone mad and it was none of his business. At least it meant that Cullen could go to bed without any more awkward questions. And if he jerked himself off to another toe-curling orgasm to those memories he now had back, well, there was no one to see him or tell him what an idiot he was being. He was fairly sure he had the latter part covered perfectly fine on his own.

He got away with this for three more days and finally started to relax a bit. Not _much_ since the memories never left him alone. He’d masturbated more in those three days than he had in the three months prior, his hesitation over pleasuring himself with someone else in the apartment lost in the eroticism of the memories. Admittedly Friday night brought with it some different concerns, along the lines of how was he going to cope over the weekend when he couldn’t feasibly work without _really_ looking like he was avoiding Dorian. So he wasn’t expecting, when he walked the door so late on Friday night that it was almost Saturday morning, to find Dorian curled up on the couch, facing the door with an implacable expression on his face.

“Dorian,” he squeaked then cleared his throat. “I, uh, wasn’t expecting you to still be up.”

“Obviously,” Dorian said dryly. “Though Lavellan tells me that she’s never seen your paperwork done so thoroughly and in such a timely manner.”

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck and finally remembered to close the front door. “I… uh…”

Dorian patted the couch next to him. “Sit down.”

“Dorian, I…” 

Cullen fidgeted where he was standing, not sure he wanted to be that close to Dorian while the memories were still so strong. Because as much as he wanted to do everything in those memories again with Dorian, he had also realised somewhere around Thursday lunchtime that he wanted _more_. He’d gotten to know Dorian in the three months they’d been sharing an apartment. Dorian was intelligent and funny and kind and caring all covered with a layer of devastating sarcasm and devil-may-care attitude. Cullen wanted that, wanted it _all_ , not just the man whom he’d taken apart in that room in the Blooming Rose. 

Because something else he’d realised that week was that Dorian hadn’t been faking his reactions back then. He knew fake. He’d seen it many times in his trips to the brothel. He knew the difference between the perfunctory pleasure of just getting off and someone who was truly affected by his touch. He also knew that difference, Dorian’s genuine reactions, had been the reason he’d tried to lose the memories of that night in a haze of alcohol and lyrium and random pickups in bars in the weeks afterwards. The idea that he’d had that kind of effect on someone, even a stranger in a brothel, had been too much for him back then. The emotions had been too much. He hadn’t wanted those emotions back then.

“Cullen,” Dorian said firmly, patting the cushion of the couch again.

Cullen dropped his bag and slowly edged forward like a man going to his own execution. He sat down gingerly next to Dorian and waited for the end of the world.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No!” Cullen yelped then he settled down again. “No, I haven’t.”

“And you’re a terrible liar.”

Dorian at least looked amused as he said that, which was a relief for Cullen, who’d had a moment of panic.

“No! I… I’ve been…” Cullen broke off and swallowed. He honestly didn’t know what to say.

“You have and I’m wondering what I’ve done to offend you,” Dorian said patiently but Cullen could see the hint of sorrow and worry in his eyes.

“Nothing!” he said hurriedly. “You… you haven’t done anything, Dorian. It’s just… me. Being… well, me.”

“Is there anything I can help with?”

Dorian was genuine in that offer. Cullen could see it written all over his face and his brain and his mouth seized up in an instant as his few protective instincts reared up and stopped him from saying _anything_ in the hopes of avoiding saying what he really wanted.

He finally managed to force out an “Uh… no.”

“I see.” 

Dorian tapped his fingers against his own thigh. He looked utterly unconvinced of what Cullen had said and he could almost see the way Dorian’s thoughts were spiralling downward. His fault. That was _his_ fault and he didn’t know how to fix it. He lurched to his feet and walked over to the window. He stared out of it then his traitorous mouth abruptly took his better sense hostage and decided to take command of the situation.

“It was me.”

“What?”

Dorian sounded baffled but Cullen didn’t turn away from the window.

“That night. In Kirkwall. The Blooming Rose. W… with the… the blindfold.”

A heavy silence reigned in the room in the wake of those stammered words and Cullen didn’t dare turn around. Was Dorian even still there? Had he left? He hadn’t heard the door but Dorian was a mage.

He gave a startled yelp when he felt a hand on his back then stilled as he felt Dorian’s heat beside him.

“That was you?”

The tone was so neutral and bland that Cullen wanted to wince and he silently cursed his traitorous mouth, which continued to ignore his better sense.

“Yes. You’ve always seemed… familiar but I couldn’t work out why. I… I only remembered… the other night.” His voice suddenly became hoarse and desperate. “And now I don’t want to forget again.”

He heard Dorian draw in a sharp breath. “Why not?” he asked with the finest of tremors marring the even tone of his voice.

“Because I want that again and I can’t have it,” Cullen replied, making no effort to hide the desire in his voice. “I want more. I want the Dorian I’ve gotten to know now. But I want _that_ as well. I want you to fall apart when I touch you and no one else. I want to hear you moan like that again. I want to argue with you in the morning about using the last of the milk. I want… I want _everything_.”

There was only silence from Dorian for a moment then he stepped away. Cullen dropped his head with despair, certain he was going to hear the sounds of Dorian leaving now, certain that he ruined everything. He was so lost in his despair that he didn’t hear the sounds coming from right behind him, didn’t hear anything until Dorian spoke again.

“Cullen. Turn around.”

Dorian’s voice sounded like nothing he’d ever heard before. Low and sultry, dripping with promise and desire. It sounded like velvet, like the finest of chocolate, like every dark desire Cullen had ever had. He couldn’t have disobeyed it even if he’d tried and he slowly turned around.

Dorian was standing just out of reach, his hands clasped behind his back, somehow looking both shockingly demure and entirely wanton. He was naked and half-hard and the sight of him drew a low wanting sound out of Cullen. It was exactly how Dorian had been standing when he’d walked into the room in the Blooming Rose. Minus the blindfold of course.

“Dorian,” he said hoarsely, closing the gap between them just enough to run his fingers across the other man’s chest. “ _Dorian_.”

“I was nervous about the blindfold,” Dorian said. He sounded almost conversational except for that low tremor in his voice. “I expected it wouldn’t be very good, that I would have to do things I… might not like.”

He went silent until Cullen took another step forward, his hand caressing down Dorian’s side to rest on his hip.

“Kirkwall was the first decent sized place I ended up in after I left home,” Dorian continued. “I had no money, no references, none of my research, nothing to prove I was capable of what I was claiming. And with the prevailing attitude towards mages in the city, no one would hire me, a Tevinter mage, just on my word.”

Cullen brought his other hand up and caressed Dorian’s cheek. He trailed his fingers down the mage’s neck and let his hand come to rest on his shoulder.

“I’d been to brothels before. Back home. I thought I knew what I was getting into when I presented myself to the Madam at the Blooming Rose.” Dorian gave a shaky laugh that had Cullen stepping forward again, a small noise of protest and dismay escaping him. “I didn’t but… she hired me anyway. She liked the exotic and she was short of men willing to take on male clients and she was… careful about which clients she sent to me.” He gave a low mirthless laugh. “I think she knew I… wasn’t experienced with the life. With sex, yes, but not like that.”

Cullen closed the remaining gap between them and lowered his head slowly to press a kiss against the warm skin of Dorian’s shoulder. He heard the mage’s soft sigh and pressed a line of slow gentle kisses to his shoulder and neck.

“Then you came in,” Dorian continued, sounding a little breathless now. “You’d insisted on the blindfold but she’d sent you to me. I was expecting something… unpleasant. That she’d finally lost patience with me. But you…”

Now Dorian moved. He slid his hands under Cullen’s shirt and pulled it off before pressing close. They both groaned at the touch of skin on skin and Cullen buried his face in the crook of Dorian’s neck and wrapped his arms around the other man. He was achingly hard but still caught up in the soft recitation of that night from Dorian’s point of view.

“You were so gentle. You didn’t demand or grab or bruise.” He chuckled. “Well, not in a bad way.” He sobered again. “You… you…” 

He let out a shuddering breath and Cullen went back to trailing that line of kisses up his neck until he could draw Dorian’s ear lobe into his mouth and bite down gently. He got a mewling cry from Dorian as his reward and the mage bucked against him, showing him that he was as hard as Cullen.

“You made me feel… wanted. Desired. Beautiful,” Dorian gasped.

“You were,” Cullen said hoarsely. “You are. You… you were everything I wanted. It was why I left afterwards and never came back. I didn’t… I couldn’t… handle it. Not then.”

He pulled Dorian close and finally… _finally_ … captured that clever mouth in a searing kiss. It was the one thing he hadn’t done back then and he knew why. If he had, he might never have let Dorian go. 

He ran a hand down Dorian’s back until he could grab his arse and grind their erections together. They both gasped into the kiss and Cullen moaned helplessly.

“Clothes off, Amatus,” Dorian gasped. He fumbled with Cullen’s trousers. “Off now.”

Cullen batted his hands away and quickly undid his trousers and shoved them and his underwear down. He swore when they got caught on his boots but Dorian turned him and shoved him backwards until he fell onto the couch and then kneeled down in front of him. The intensity changed immediately as Cullen drew in a breath, remembering the last time Dorian had been on his knees in front of him. Dorian clearly remembered it as well from the coy look he gave Cullen through his eyelashes.

Cullen swallowed as Dorian deliberately slowed things down, removing his boots and socks one by one then slowly drawing his trousers and underwear off his legs. He balled his hands into fists on the cushions next to his thighs. He wanted to touch himself so badly but knew if he did he was likely to end this very quickly.

He watched as Dorian tossed his trousers into the corner of the room then shuffled forward on his knees. He pushed Cullen’s legs apart and moved in between them with a sultry smirk.

“You were standing last time I did this to you.” The smirk deepened for a moment. “This’ll be easier on your knees.”

Before Cullen could make any response, Dorian lowered his head and swallowed his cock almost to the root. Cullen threw his head back against the couch and groaned, one hand going to Dorian’s hair almost unconsciously, not to grab or control but to weave into the silky strands. He panted and gasped as Dorian sucked and bobbed, his tongue swirling tantalisingly around the head of his cock.

“Dorian,” he said desperately, pulling at the man’s shoulders. “Not… I’m too close… please.”

Dorian pulled off with a final swirl of his tongue that had Cullen’s hips jerking uncontrollably then he eagerly allowed Cullen to pull him up into his lap. They both groaned as their leaking cocks rubbed together and Cullen dropped his head onto Dorian’s shoulder. He was too close after four days of intense memories constantly running through his mind, too close after finding out Dorian wanted this seemingly as much as he did.

Dorian seemed to sense this as he murmured into Cullen’s ear, “Lube?”

Cullen shook his head. “Too far. I’m not going to last, Dorian.”

Dorian chuckled. “Neither am I.”

The mage shoved at him until he was lying down on the couch then moved in between his legs and lowered himself down again. Cullen threw back his head and moaned and Dorian took the opportunity offered. He kissed and licked at the skin of Cullen’s throat as they undulated against each other, their pre-come offering enough slick to make it easy. When he bit down hard enough to leave a mark, Cullen yowled and bucked up. He grabbed at Dorian’s arse with both hands and pulled him tightly against him even as he leaned up and captured his mouth in a frantic, impatient kiss. 

The mood suddenly shifted again and there was no more time for gentleness. They rutted desperately against each other, panting against each other’s mouths in between sloppy open-mouthed kisses. Finally Cullen arched underneath the mage and with a shout of Dorian’s name, he came, the wet warmth of his release provided a welcome slickness for Dorian to thrust into until he followed Cullen over the edge with a wordless cry.

Cullen wrapped his arms around Dorian now and held him close. “Dorian?” he murmured, a bare whisper of a question that held a wealth of meaning.

The mage raised his head and gave Cullen a smile so sweet and honest, it took his breath away. He’d never seen a smile like that on Dorian’s face ever before. There was a melancholy in it though that confused and worried Cullen.

“I’ve never done… more before,” Dorian admitted. He gave that sweet, melancholy smile again. “But I want to try.” He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. “I want to _succeed_.”

Cullen smiled and kissed him. “I’ve heard the scuttlebutt around the office and labs. When have you ever failed at something you really wanted?”

Dorian chuckled in response. “Very rarely.”

Cullen cradled his face with one hand. “And I want this to succeed as well. With both of us, how can it fail?”

Dorian stared at him for a moment then lurched forward to kiss him fervently. They both knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

It was Dorian who broke the kiss and he grimaced as he shifted on top of Cullen. “Ugh, we’re both a mess.” He gave Cullen one of his oh-so familiar imperious looks, one that was now tinged with fondness and desire and a happiness that Cullen shared. “I demand a shower and then a bed, where you may attempt to recreate our first meeting.”

“Do you now?” Cullen said as wrapped his arms tightly around Dorian. He moved around so that he could sit up and then stood. Dorian laughed and wrapped his legs around Cullen’s waist in return as they headed for the bathroom. “You know, I think that can be arranged.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently my mind decided this needed a third chapter so here it is. In which Cullen confesses, there is angst and then there is smut.

The shower they took was languid and leisurely, hands wandering over each other’s body, exploring and caressing without any intent to truly arouse at the moment. They merely wished to enjoy each other. 

“I didn’t think you’d want this… want me,” Cullen murmured, nuzzling the shorn sides of Dorian’s head.

Dorian hummed, tilting his head to allow Cullen better access. “I wanted you from the day we met,” he admitted with a low chuckle. “But that was just… shallow. You’re really very attractive, Amatus. But it’s changed over the weeks we’ve known each other.”

Cullen frowned a little at the word ‘amatus’. It was the second time Dorian had used it and he didn’t know enough Tevene to be able to parse out its meaning. Most of the Tevene he knew were curse words that he’d picked up from Dorian.

“You… never recognised me?”

Dorian chuckled again and pressed a kiss against Cullen’s jaw. “I was blindfolded, remember? And you didn’t speak much that night.” He gave a low huff. “And truth be told, after we got started I was so affected I don’t think I’d have recognised your voice again even if you had spent the entire time talking.”

“I… I didn’t know.” Cullen pressed his lips against Dorian’s temple. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Dorian’s admission. He’d known the other man’s reactions were genuine but having it confirmed was… humbling in a way.

“I wasn’t likely to have admitted it to you back then even if you’d asked,” Dorian replied, his hands sliding down to cup Cullen’s perfect buttocks before drifting up again. “I felt… embarrassed. I was… playing the whore in a brothel. The others all seemed so unaffected by what they did and admitting I was seemed… unprofessional.”

Cullen was silent and he let his hands caress Dorian’s shoulders and back. “How long…” He shook his head. “Sorry. You don’t need to answer that.”

“Only another week after… after that night,” Dorian said. “I couldn’t focus. I kept thinking back to what happened.” He kissed Cullen’s neck and nipped the skin lightly, chuckling at the low noises he gained for the action. “Luckily I got a job offer from a nobleman I’d spoken to weeks before. The mage he’d hired instead of me hadn’t worked out so he came back to me.”

Dorian slid his hand up Cullen’s chest, ruffling through the blonde hair growing there and letting the water pool and spill over his fingers. 

“You’ve never struck me as the sort of man to frequent brothels,” he said, not looking up.

Cullen bowed his head and sighed. He could feel the blush washing over his face and spreading down his shoulders and chest.

“I… I wasn’t in a good place back then, Dorian,” he admitted, shamefaced. “I wasn’t a good man. I was more interested in forgetting everything that had happened to me with drink and drugs and… and sex.”

Dorian slipped his fingers under Cullen’s chin and raised it. “That doesn’t seem much like you either. Will you… tell me what happened to change you so much?”

Cullen tensed and turned his head away, chewing on his bottom lip. Part of him actually wanted to tell Dorian. He had never really wanted to talk about what had happened to him at Kinloch and even the therapist they’d sent him to in the aftermath had only ever known the bare bones. But he wanted Dorian to know. Partly because he hoped Dorian would see the worst of him and still want him and partly because he would find out eventually. If this was going to drive Dorian away in disgust, he would rather do it now when it wouldn’t hurt as much.

“I… not here,” he finally said, gesturing towards the shower.

“Okay,” Dorian replied.

The mage pulled Cullen out of the shower and they dried themselves off. Dorian then gently guided them both towards Cullen’s room and they curled up under the blankets on his bed. He seemed to realise this was difficult for Cullen and familiar things would make it easier. In return, Cullen drew Dorian close until he had practically wrapped himself around the Tevinter mage.

“Do you… had you heard much in Tevinter about… about what happened at the Kinloch Research Institute?” Cullen finally asked.

Dorian nuzzled against Cullen’s temple in as comforting a manner as possible. “We heard rumours. They said one of the mages doing research there went mad. Started using blood magic, summoning demons and forcing other mages to become possessed. The news was greeted with a certain degree of disdain.”

“Really?”

Dorian snorted. “Necromancy is acceptable in Tevinter and blood magic is vaguely tolerated but raising demons and becoming an abomination is considered gauche and passé.”

Cullen managed a small huff that might have been a laugh in a better moment. “I worked there. For Templar Security. It was my first job out of training. I was on shift when Uldred took over the labs.”

He shifted position and curled into Dorian, seeking the comfort that the mage was willing to provide. Somehow here, curled up with Dorian under his blankets in the soft darkness of his room, he had found the courage to talk about all of this.

“He killed them. The other guards.” He shuddered and Dorian ran a hand down his back. “I… I don’t know what he did to them but I could hear their screams. I don’t know why he didn’t kill me as well but he… he left me alone. He had me trapped behind a magical barrier just outside one of the main research labs. He kept sending demons out to… to torment me. They… they tried to get into my mind, to break me. When that didn’t work, he sent… abominations and… and his pet mages. They… tortured me. And worse.”

He gave a harsh bark, a mirthless sound full of remembered pain and anguish.

“How can you go through something like that and still be the same man? I felt… broken but I still wanted to work. Quitting at twenty felt like failure. So they transferred me to one of their contracts in Kirkwall.” He snorted in disgust. “The man in charge had completely ceded control to Meredith, the police chief, and she was using us as an unofficial force to control the mages. I… I went along with it. I thought she was right. The… the things I did, the things I turned a blind eye to. Maker, I knew it was wrong but I… couldn’t make myself care. So I turned to alcohol and… and that new drug that was on the market. Lyrium. And then to… to sex. Anything to stop my brain from dredging up the memories or thinking about what I was doing.”

“What changed?” Dorian murmured. He managed to keep the horror out of his voice by sheer strength of will. The idea that Cullen had once been the kind of Templar guard he’d seen more than once in his early days in Kirkwall made him feel sick and he thought he might have pulled away from the man if Cullen wasn’t clinging to him like he was his last anchor in a storm and if Dorian let go, Cullen would drift away and be truly lost forever.

“Hawke,” Cullen replied. “I kept running into him and he kept challenging me. Every time I’d say something terrible about mages without thinking, he’d pull me up and _make_ me think. Make me stop just reacting and see what was right in front of me. It made it worse at first because I didn’t _want_ to think but once I’d started again… I remembered the man I used to be and saw what I’d become.” He made a sound that might have been a sob. “I loathed myself then. I’d become everything I’d once despised.”

“What did you do?”

“Started trying to fight my way back to being that man,” Cullen replied. “It wasn’t easy. Standing against Meredith had to be done carefully. She’d sent mages to the brand for such trivial things and fired guards for equally minor offences. Lyrium use was rampant among the guards. She had a source and it was free for the taking for all Templar employees but buying it on the street was… expensive. I’d… I’d seen former colleagues go mad or die from withdrawal or seen them scrabbling on the streets for coins to buy Dust. But I did what I could and when the bomb went off and Hawke finally confronted Meredith, I fought at his side. A few weeks later, Cassandra recruited me for the job at Inquisition Incorporated.”

Dorian was silent for a long moment. There had been rumours in the labs about Cullen and while he’d listened to them, he hadn’t given them much credence. The man he shared an apartment with had never sounded like the man they’d been describing. As it turned out, the rumours had a fair amount of truth in them. He knew Cullen expected him to be angry, perhaps even to reject him over the implications of what he’d done and allowed to be done to the mages in Kirkwall but he simply felt… saddened. Saddened that Cullen had gone through such horrific things and been so utterly broken by them. A bit sickened that this good man had been in a state to do such horrible things and no one had done anything to help him. He also found that he felt a little awed that Cullen had been able to drag himself back out of that terrible abyss on his own, all while avoiding the wrath of the erratic and insane Meredith Stannard. Then something else came to mind.

“How long have you been off Lyrium?”

“Since I started at Inquisition,” Cullen replied after a moment of hesitation. “I’ve been attending NA meetings and Cassandra has been…”

“Your rock?”

Cullen laughed softly and nodded. “Yes.”

“And your opinion of mages?”

Cullen pressed a kiss to Dorian’s shoulder. “Well, I like you quite a lot.” Dorian chuckled and Cullen continued, “I’m not sure I’ll ever be truly comfortable around magic.”

“Understandable,” Dorian said. He meant it. He knew what blood magic could do – in fact, that was a conversation they probably had to have at some point, though not now – and he knew the kind of depravities blood mages could descend into if they weren’t careful. And few were. There was just something about blood magic that corrupted almost everyone who dipped into it. He’d never tried it so he couldn’t say what that might be and he honestly had no desire to find out.

“But I… I’m not that man anymore,” Cullen said a little wearily. “I don’t hate mages. I know what they’re capable of at their worst but I also know what they’re capable of at their best. I try and keep that in mind.”

Dorian raised himself up onto one elbow. “An honest answer.”

Cullen snorted and ran his fingers along Dorian’s jaw in a gentle caress. “After lying to myself for so long, I do try and be honest these days.”

“And you and I… that happened…”

“When I still hated and feared mages,” Cullen said, sounding resigned. “I didn’t know you were a mage though. I didn’t ask for one. I just wanted… I asked the Madam for someone… good. Nice. Blindfolded because I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror, let alone let someone else look at me.”

“And you got me. Lucky you,” Dorian said lightly, drawing a small smile from the other man.

“Lucky me,” Cullen echoed. “You were… _beautiful_. I wasn’t expecting that.”

Dorian found himself blushing and that was something that he hadn’t done for a long time. Cullen’s sincerity was obvious and a vast difference from the times he’d been called beautiful before. Before, they’d just wanted to get into his pants and would have said anything to achieve that. Cullen _meant_ it.

“And you… you were so responsive when I touched you,” Cullen continued. “I… It wasn’t the first time I’d been there but the others were so… perfunctory in their responses, so practised and rehearsed. I got off but it was so… empty. It was different with you. You were… genuine. I nearly left right away but I… couldn’t. I wanted that, even if I didn’t really know why at the time. Every time you arched into my touch, every whimper, every moan, everything you did just made me want more.”

Dorian looked at Cullen. The man’s face was scarlet with embarrassment but he wasn’t hesitating to talk, to explain everything he could. And what he was talking about now was making Dorian’s blood run hot. He had his own memories of that night and everything Cullen was saying was letting those memories flood his mind and he was quickly getting hard. It made him feel a little ashamed. Here Cullen was pouring out his heart to him and all he wanted right at this moment was for the man to pin him to the bed and have his way with him.

Of course, he should have realised that Cullen wasn’t going to miss the erection now pressing against his hip.

“Dorian?” Cullen sounded a little breathless and a lot disbelieving. “You still… after everything…”

Dorian gave a helpless little laugh. “Cullen, if we’re going to compare all the fucked up things we’ve done in our past, believe me, I have a laundry list I could tell you about. You said it yourself. You’re not that man anymore. Everything you’ve just told me backs that up. Everything I _know_ about you from the three months we’ve been living together backs that up. However, right now, what I really want...” He made a sound that was half laugh and half frustrated whine as he tried to keep himself still and not grind his dick against Cullen’s hip. “What I really want is for you to fuck me.”

The words ripped a groan out of Cullen and Dorian felt the way the man shuddered against him.

“Maker, yes,” Cullen said and before Dorian could reply or even think, Cullen was kissing him. Hot, demanding kisses that left Dorian writhing and bucking against the other man.

He pulled at Cullen’s shoulders, unwilling to break the kisses long enough to ask for what he wanted, but Cullen seemed to figure it out on his own. He rolled them so that Dorian’s back was flat on the mattress then lowered himself on top. This… _this_ is what Dorian remembered from that night. While they were much the same height, Cullen had the advantage in muscle and bulk and the feeling of being pressed into the mattress by Cullen’s greater weight made him break away from the kiss so that he could moan his approval and arch up against him.

“ _Dorian_ ,” Cullen said with a kind of helpless wonder.

“Fuck me,” Dorian demanded, pulling Cullen down into a biting kiss.

Cullen pulled away from the kiss. His lip was red and glistening from Dorian’s attack on them and his eyes were wide and almost black with lust. He let his entire weight rest on Dorian as he reached over to his bedside table and fumbled in the drawer for a condom and lube. Dorian panted and wrapped his arms around the blond, as though he could pull Cullen’s weight even further onto him. He didn’t know why he liked this, he would have hated it from anyone else, but he did. He wanted it, craved it, craved how safe it made him feel and he didn’t care enough to question why anymore.

“Dorian… I need… you have to…” Cullen gave a huff of a laugh and looked down at Dorian. He felt his face go crimson again but collected himself enough to say, “I can’t fuck you if you don’t let me go.”

The blush was delicious and what little of Dorian’s brain that wasn’t lost in a haze of lust and desire made a note to make Cullen blush as much as was humanly possible… at least when he wasn’t trying to make the man’s blood supply go in a different direction. He relented though and let go of Cullen, draping his arms over his head and sliding them under the pillow. Cullen shifted onto his knees, the sheet and blankets falling away from both of them, and Dorian whined at the loss. He almost pulled the other man back down but instead he arched on the bed and spread his legs. He was rewarded by the storm of hunger and want that crossed Cullen’s face.

Cullen couldn’t believe that after everything he’d told Dorian, the mage still wanted him. It wasn’t what he expected but for once, he wasn’t going to argue. Not when he had the man sprawled on his bed, arching wantonly into his touch once again. He fumbled with the lube, cursing under his breath when he nearly dropped it before finally managing to slick his fingers. 

He wrapped his hand around Dorian’s cock and just let himself feel the warmth and hardness of the flesh. He had this, this was his, Dorian hadn’t turned away from him, Dorian still wanted him. These were all things that seemed so unreal.

“Fasta vass! Get on with it,” Dorian said through gritted teeth and Cullen laughed, a carefree sound that he couldn’t recall making for years.

He let his slick fingers slide down Dorian’s cock and over his balls before drifting down unerringly to his entrance. The motion was accompanied by the most glorious collection of noises he’d heard in a long time. He rubbed gently over the small pucker for a moment then pressed one slick finger inside. Dorian’s reaction, the way he writhed and cursed and gasped, made Cullen want to rush, to take the man _now_. But he didn’t. He kept things slow as one finger became two and then three and Dorian was grabbing at him, his voice high and desperate as he begged and pleaded.

When he finally replaced his fingers with his cock, they both groaned and when Cullen was fully sheathed in Dorian’s tight heat, he had to stop and let his head rest on Dorian’s shoulder as he caught his breath and tried desperately not to come right then and there.

“Cullen, dammit!” Dorian growled, pressing open-mouthed kisses onto Cullen’s jaw. “Don’t stop now, damn you.”

Cullen had planned to take this slowly but the need and desire in Dorian’s voice fed into his own and he drew back and slammed home again. Dorian threw his head back and cried out and Cullen was lost. He braced himself on his forearms and simply took everything that Dorian was giving. The bed rocked and creaked underneath them as he gave into his emotions and just _fucked_ Dorian into the mattress.

A series of ‘oh, oh, oh’ noises and then a scream of Cullen’s name heralded Dorian’s completion, untouched by either of them, and that was enough to tip Cullen over the edge, his hips bucking controllably as he emptied himself into his lover. He collapsed on top of Dorian and smiled as he felt the mage’s arms wrap tightly around him.

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that but eventually he tried to move, only to have Dorian tighten his grip. Cullen chuckled and kissed his cheek.

“I’m too heavy,” he murmured.

Dorian grumbled but let Cullen move onto the bed. The mage immediately followed, curling himself around Cullen and burying his face in his neck. 

“That was better than last time,” Dorian said, his voice half-muffled.

“Why?” Cullen asked, more than half-asleep now.

“We both meant it,” Dorian replied.

Cullen was silent for a moment. Dorian was right. Though they’d both been affected by that night in the Blooming Rose, in the end it had been little more than sex. The fact that emotions had threatened to get involved had sent them both scurrying away from the brothel, each in their own way and never to return. Tonight the emotions had been there and neither felt the need to run from that.

He smiled and held Dorian close and just before sleep claimed him, he said, “Yes, we did.”


End file.
